after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
