I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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