Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
