I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
