Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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