the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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