My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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