She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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