so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I enjoy the company of your penis
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
