I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
