It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
