and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
