Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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