you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
