I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
