My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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