I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
