Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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