Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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