if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
barbara walters just said penis...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
