Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
