Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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