dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
