My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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