Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
