Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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