Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
