genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
