I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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