Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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