Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
