his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
