she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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