Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
