i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
