i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
