just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
