i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
