Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
