The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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