I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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