Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
