i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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