Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
