I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
