so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
