nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dick very happy bro
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