: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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