Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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