please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
