i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
