True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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