i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am available for nakedness
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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